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Numerous brilliant red lights flashed on the bridge as switches were vigorously flipped and buttons vainly pressed while all of the monitors sitting before the motley crew of the SJ Raptor all displayed the same thing: the ship was going down. The many reports and calls of the crew fell on the deaf ears of the captain, who sat with her feet kicked up on the panel of monitors in front of her and her hat pulled over her eyes as if she was napping. The only sign that she was not in fact asleep was the occasional bob of the toothpick protruding from her mouth.
One particularly valiant crew member took it upon himself to take a stand in front of the captain, just behind the panel of monitors, and address her, “Captain Kandor, the ship is going down!”
The captain lifted a gloved hand and adjusted her hat just enough to see the tall, slim body of the Lieutenant Commander. “Calm down, would you?”
The poor ginger man, already flustered, clenched his fists in frustration and raised his voice in a wholehearted attempt to get his point across. “Captain, do something! We’re approaching Huron Four at an alarming rate and, at this rate, we’ll burn up in the atmosphere! That planet is volatile, Captain, and the escape pods are still dysfunctional! You shouldn’t be so calm!”
Tanya Kandor sighed and removed her feet from the monitors, re-adjusting herself into a proper seated position to lean slightly forward, eyeing her worrywart of a second in command. “I said,” she spoke slowly and loudly as if to a senior citizen who was hard of hearing as well as memory and had forgotten their hearing aid on the nightstand that morning, “to calm down. The ship isn’t going to burn up in the atmosphere and those escape pods were always useless. We. Will. Be. Fine.”
The anxious Lieutenant Commander began to run the pads of his fingers along the numerous scales that colored his cheeks, a nervous habit of his. With no response he returned to his chair to fume. Tanya stood in his wake to do a quick tour of the room, scanning the various alarming displays as she passed them. One in particular was different from the rest and showed a variety of cold blue bars, and she stopped to lean over the bridge officer seated before the screen; the tired old man with pure white hair grinned up at her, then spoke loud enough for the rest of the bridge to hear.
“Outer temperature is well within the safe zone miss Tanya and shows no sign of increasing.”
“Thank you Benson. Carry on.” Tanya stood straight and took a deep breath to project her voice to the entire bridge crew, “All right people, cut the alarms. Roan, increase power to the atmospheric shielding. Lotus, ignore your wonderful piloting skills and shoot us straight at H4, but avoid anything not gray. Cry-Baby, I want a full report on any stations not prepared for that emergency jump.”
“Captain Kandor, how could the outer temperature be fine!?” The Lieutenant Commander pointed at the largest display toward the front of the bridge, showing a large and getting larger sphere of gray wasteland. “That's a planet, so where's the atmosphere?”
The Captain smiled to herself, “Where indeed?” Closing her eyes, she leaned against the back of old man Benson's chair, “There's a reason I set this planet as our primary emergency jump coordinates.” The gray planet had become larger than the view screen would show; large mountains and vast plains could be distinguished. “As long as we don't have any hull breaches and the atmospheric shielding is working, this planet makes for the perfect crash landing.” The view screen, lacking true depth, tricked the eye into thinking that at each moment the ship would smash against the approaching planet's surface; the planet seemed to adhere to fractional dimensions, no matter how close they got there was always a similar appearance. “Or if all aboard happen to be dead or dying, it also makes for a decent burial site.” A ripple appeared on the planet's gray surface, a growing halo that welcomed the ship like a target. “The textbooks will tell you that H4 is volatile and dangerous, not to be approached or landed on, but that is only half the truth; to the wary, any danger ceases to be.”
One of the bridge crew, a pale woman with graceful features and long-fingered hands spread across a large pad, spoke up, “Captain, we will hit the surface in five, four, three,” the frustrated Lieutenant Commander closed his eyes, “two,” the Captain opened her eyes to watch the primary view screen, “one.” There was the most subtle of tremors and they were inside the planet, floating through a haze of gray. “Captain, what is this, soup?”
“This soup, my darling, is a massive collection of nanobots,” Tanya replied, “that consumed this planet a long time ago. The fourth alliance had been experimenting with all-consuming machines for military use, and one of their researchers dropped a vial.”
Captain Kandor sighed, recalling all of the researchers’ faces and names who had been quarantined on the dying planet. While there truly was nothing she could have done, she still took it upon herself to remember them.
Tanya turned to face the rest of the bridge and plastered a smile onto her face before giving the wall next to her a good thump. “Alright people, time to get this hunk of scrap stabilized. Cry-Baby?”
The blue-furred, bat-like creature that was the Comms Officer adjusted the miniscule listening device in one of the many ears that lined the sides and back of his head. His voice was gravelly but a bit high pitched in comparison to that of an average human man, “Not all of the weapons in the artillery had been strapped down and a few of them fired. No hull breaches but a matter processor was damaged and Kern sustained a few injuries.” He paused, twitching an ear as a new report came in from Residential. “A few civilians with minor injuries, but one of the meds is already down there.”
Tanya spoke just as Cry-Baby finished his report, “Has anyone spotted that little rat on board?”
The Harpoine chirped into the microphone and waited, twitching an ear every time a department or station responded. Cry-Baby shook his head and chittered something in a high frequency before replying to the captain, “There are no sightings of the intruder, Captain. They may have escaped before we jumped.”
Tanya gazed out over the bridge, calculating, before finally unholstering her blaster and striding off of the bridge to search for the intruder herself. The Lieutenant Commander timidly followed, passing through the bridge's air seal at the correct two paces behind his captain. In the hallway beyond, after the seal had closed behind him and they were walking alone, he spoke.
“Captain Kandor, going to such lengths as entering a class B volatile is extreme. The incoming energy pulse was of unknown origin, we may have been in the path of someone's radio beam or an equally harmless - .”
“Call it captain's intuition then.” Tanya approached the nearest seal with her blaster held before her and waved a hand across the sensor bar to open the automatic entry. The small arms locker, no larger than a walk-in closet, was empty and unlit; Tanya gestured for the LC to enter. “The frequency looked familiar to me, something about it spooked me.”
In her time spent on Huron Four Tanya had seen many experiments for advanced energy weapons, some that could cause a crew to go mad and rip each other to pieces, others that could warp and alter a being's DNA, and a hundred more that would kill you in a hundred different ways. The horrors of war were dreamed up in places like that, by researchers and scientists who could still go home to the loving families that didn't know or didn't want to think about what they did.
The LC intruded on the captain's reverie after exiting the weapons locker with a long-barreled soft-slug rifle, “So you believe it was an attack. Do you also believe our stowaway from Playineed's Master is related?”
Captain Kandor shrugs and moves on to the next air seal in her sweep, “The rat may have been a coincidence. We'll find them and ask.” The next air seal is opened to reveal yet another room, this one was a lounge with several tables and chairs for the occasional coffee break. The lights were lit.
Tanya gestured for the Lieutenant Commander to stay back to guard the exit as she stalked over to the matter processor: the only thing large enough for anyone to effectively hide behind. The captain waited until she was just in front of the machine before lunging to the side to get a good look at whoever or whatever was in the crevice between the matter processor and the wall. It was to her disappointment that the only thing there was a bound, gagged, and very agitated human. It was not long before the arrogant engineer was untied and making himself comfortable in one of the cushioned chairs, propping his feet up on the table and leaning so that the front two legs of the chair were in the air rather than on the ground.
The LC was the first to take a crack at him. “What were you doing in here? The engineering department has its own lounge for a reason, Litz.”
Litz rocked his chair back and forth on its hind legs. “What’s it to you, Jen?”
Gen flinched at the intentional mispronunciation of his name, but Tanya did not give him a chance to respond. “Did you see the rat before it tied you up?”
“Short haired albino male, tall, thin, and a bit like a Chilo. Type two muscular enhancements on the upper arms and a palm stunner on the right hand, concealed. Got me just about five minutes ago.” A smirk appeared on the engineer’s face as he watched his captain commit to memory the details of the intruder. “Anything else, sweetheart?”
Captain Kandor gave one of the back legs of Litz’s chair a light tap, just enough to send him scrambling to the floor. “Stay put,” she spoke as she strode out of the room, Gen in tow, and tapped her ear to connect with Cry-Baby. “Has there been any interdepartmental movement in the last 10 to 15 minutes?”
“No Captain. All sections were locked down during the jump as per standard regulations. Shall the order be given to - ?”
“No, inform all departments to stay locked down.” Tanya grinned at Gen, “We've got the rat trapped in Command, unless he can … .” she trailed off. “Hmm, I hope not.” She crept towards the next seal down the hall, Gen behind her with his rifle trained on the T-intersection ahead.
“Captain Kandor, I'm thinking a month of mixed martial arts for Litz?”
“You always know just what to say Gen. Make it judo with a few of the neanderthals.” Tanya waved open the next seal, this time a small custodial closet filled with stacked cabinets of chemicals and supplies, a small cart magnetized to the floor and a rack of secure cleaning implements. One mop was missing. “The mop is a ruse, the rat may have taken chemicals. At least two of the combinations I see would be dangerous.”
“If you don't mind me asking Captain Kandor, what did you mean by saying unless he can?” They continued down the hall and arrived at the intersection, Tanya at one corner and Gen the other.
“Hopefully nothing. Loss of skin pigmentation is sometimes a sign of antimatter sickness. On three, one, two - .” Together they spun around their corner, but there was no one in either direction. Both short halls ended in a heavy reinforced air seal, one with the sign Engineering above and the other Quarters. The only place left was two seals at the intersection, one baby blue and the other pink. Tanya sighed, “We'll have to split up for the bathrooms.” Gen nodded and walked toward the pink seal, “No, you take the men's bathroom.”
Gen paused, nodded again, and changed his course to the blue seal, waiting for his captain to get into position and signal for him to enter. She raised three fingers, dropped one for two, and on one waved her hand across the bar as Gen did the same at his. The women's side opened with no excitement, the insides unlit, but a thick white smoke poured from the men's side and a light flickered inside. Before Gen could enter, Tanya smacked the sensor bar above the blue seal; the bar lit up with a red glow and the seal closed again.
“Captain Kandor, the intruder - .”
“Isn't in there. Meaning either Litz was in that break room for a lot longer than he wanted to admit, or we have a dark shifter on the ship.” She tapped her ear again, “Cry-Baby, I want all interdepartmental seals unlocked and held open, we need maximum maneuverability, then tell everyone to arm themselves and start patrols of the ship for - .” An explosion from back down the hall rocked the ship, Gen was sent tumbling and Tanya dropped to one knee. She winced and looked back the way they had come, where the sensor bar above the break room seal had turned a bright red. “CB, status!”
“Officer Benson has informed me that a repair drone must be sent to the exterior, all he can say from the diagnostics is that there was an explosion inside the ship, causing light fracturing of the neck and a possible leak to the outside.”
Tanya scowled, “How possible?”
“Atmospheric shielding is all that we have keeping the soup out. Chief Engineer Roan has informed me that the shielding can be kept at its current level for - .”
“Not long, I understand.” Tanya rubbed her forehead with two fingers, her eyes closed, as Gen took a knee at her side and waited for orders. “Tell Engineering to send the drone out immediately, we need that breach sealed. Send Saint and someone to the Command break room in air shields, to pull what they can of Litz out. And lastly, tell Benson we may have a dark shifter on our hands, I need options.” Tanya stood up as the two large seals opened down both short hallways. She pointed Gen at one and he nodded in understanding, he had already walked below the sign for Quarters as she entered Engineering.
The walls were a bare gun-metal gray as Captain Kandor stalked through cold dark rooms of bare light bulbs and steel rivet flooring. A burst of static assaulted her ear before Benson's voice came through, “Can you hear me Miss Tanya? I'm borrowing the headset from Cry-Baby, though I’m not sure if I - .”
Tanya spun around a corner, blaster ready but no target there, “Thank you Benson. Now, what are my options?”
“Not good Miss Tanya. If our perp caused the explosion then he could do so anywhere else as well, meaning there is a certain degree of urgency that we catch - .”
“Benson, I know all that! What I need are options!”
A wicked grin could be heard in the old man's voice, “Tactical maneuvers while the perp is mid-shift, if you don't mind losing the opportunity to ask them questions.”
Tanya smiled as well, “You always did fight dirty. Go for it, scan for dark shift waves and tell Lotus when, make sure you get the rat on the first try. And give Cry-Baby back his headset before you make him upset.” Tanya dashed through the dim hallway to the engine room, another possible target for the destructive stowaway.
It was not long before Tanya reached the other interdepartmental seal at the end of the hallway. She took a right and then a left, pushing but not quite shoving through the flustered engineers bustling in and out of the engine room. So many people of so many species moving everywhere at once made it hard to discern if the dark shifter was among them, but Captain Kandor found him nevertheless.
The Chilo mutt with a phase-shift device covering the length of his forearm was still quite a distance away from the engine itself and was sticking close to the walls. Engineers were so busy recovering from the jump that they didn’t give him a second glance.
“Cry-Baby, I’ve got eyes on him. Connect me to Benson.” The rat had yet to spot Tanya, as he was too focused on getting to the engine. He moved at a steady pace forward, neither slow enough nor fast enough to draw attention. Tanya moved around him from the distance, planning to cut him off from the engine: if he recognized her while she was still behind he would bolt and, chances were, Tanya would not be able to catch him in time to prevent another explosion. What she really wanted to do was scare him into another phase shift.
Another burst of static squealed over the comms. “Have you found him Miss Tanya?”
Tanya was in front of the rat, then, and was walking straight towards him. She wanted him to notice her. “Yes, I’ve got him in my sights. I’m going to scare him into a phase shift.”
“Just say when.”
The captain was just ten feet away from the dark shifter when he spotted her, and she charged. As expected he turned to jump through the wall, slamming his hand down on the device on his forearm.
The ship jolted, bringing nearly everyone to the floor. The Chilo was no longer in the room, but Tanya suspected that he would be stuck in the next room over, or perhaps two. Tanya put a finger to her ear as several of the engineers around her realized who she was and started saluting her as they stood and went about their work.
“Benson? Or Cry-Baby, somebody tell me we got the rat.”
Benson's voice squawked from the headset, “Looks like it Miss Tanya, judging from the readings he's interposed with a wall down in the officers quarters. Depending on his placement a med team might - .”
“Do it.” Tanya glanced around the room and used her commanding voice to address the engineers, “Sorry for the emergency jump people, now I want this rusted soap box back in shape!” They scurried into action and Tanya turned to leave. “Cry-Baby, anything else I should know?”
“Gen has been informed of your success and is returning to the bridge. Saint has reported in and says that Litz will survive, though he is badly injured.”
Tanya nodded, “Okay, I want Lotus to take us out of the planet. We've spent long enough and it's getting bad for our health. See you on the bridge.”
A minute later Captain Kandor entered the bridge-deck to the quick salutes of her crew and took her seat. The large central view screen showed the stars of space again, while a side screen showed them leaving the gray planet behind at sub-light speed. Tanya stared at the central view screen and clenched her jaw.
“If we're ready, we'll track down that energy and see who - .”
“Captain Kandor, that must wait.” Cry-Baby's high voice was higher than usual, and he pointed one long furred finger to the view screen. A large shape blotted out the stars, a black plate that filled the screen even as its tail end stretched forward to meet with the rest as the giant cube of a vessel finished its jump. “I have received a Plat-class communication. On threat of bounty you are ordered to appear before the arriving Triumvirate envoy.”

Captain Kandor secured the last button of her red-gold embroidered suit and stepped back from the mirror to appreciate the whole outfit. Her plain hat was replaced for a sleek red military cap to match her suit, several bars and stars were pinned to her lapel and her gloves had been ironed to stiffen the creases. She scowled at the mirror, then smiled like a shark.
“What was the line from that old poem?” Tanya stuck a fresh toothpick in her mouth and glanced up, where the snow-white face of the Chilo was half-out like a hunting trophy. Judging from his expression, the last thing he felt was shock before his brain fused with the wall. Tanya sighed, “Right. When meeting with the devil, wear red.”

So this is the big surprise I've been hinting at! For some time now I've been wanting to write something with someone, like a novel maybe, mainly for the experience of writing with someone else but also because it sounded fun. And while critiquing the first chapter of trumanwripley's Strange (found at ) I decided it was time to do so. This is the complete first chapter of that collaboration, which we wrote by switching the writer every "page" for a total of five or so pages each. If you want to try guessing which parts are mine, look for the mistakes in past tense.

So there is some violence and such here, but it's more shocking than gory. Think I should put up the warning? And once more, go check out the awesome writing of :icontrumanwripley:

And to go read this story over on trumanwripley's page and spread the page views around, try this link:

Add a Comment:
AfricanObserver Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
Love it!
it held me to the end, and yes, I want to know the rest. Did you ever get any further?

Minor thing - You still have a tense error in the paragraph starting "Captain Kandor shrugs and moves...".
Also, I think I would like the first sentence to feel a bit more 'technically literate'. I almost bailed at that point! "Numerous red lights?" Picking something(s) specific would work better for me. But that's minor.

Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Unfortunately we never did any more with it. The story wasn't very planned and so there was nothing to pull us along, plus we were experimenting with the genre and it was more of a post-by-post game that turned out good enough to publish. But thank you for the comment!
AfricanObserver Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
But at least there is this.

Have you ever written any screenplays?
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Screenplays? Yes ... Good screenplays? No ... Well there's one semi-recent mediocre 'pilot episode' that I haven't yet uploaded to DA because I was hoping to write a few more episodes into it first. I might pick that project back up after my current prose novella wraps up. It's my dream to write for animated TV but for the last few years I've focused almost exclusively on prose to improve my basic storytelling craft. Turns out that if your local critique circle likes prose better than screenplay, writing prose gets you those all-important critiques.
AfricanObserver Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
Yup, you've got to listen to your market!

Have any of the screenplays ever been shot? I teach my year 9 class to make short movies, and there are very few screenplays + shoots at the 3 minute or so mark. Lots of full length stuff, and 100's of unmade screenplays. But, in 2 years of trawling, precisely 1 pairing at this length. Since that's what they are going to be making, I would love to have more. I have emailed a couple of festivals etc, and they have been very nice, but no actual content.
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Nope, sorry. That does seem like something short film festivals would be a good source for, but I suppose they can't always get in contact with the filmmaker for the screenplay. Why not teach them with three-minute scenes? Every story is made up of smaller mini-stories, and if you expand your idea of a story then a single scene can encapsulate an entire idea. I know screenplay websites will have screenplays from big films, so that side of it won't be a problem. Or just have them make movies without the examples of what a good short film looks like; there's something about not knowing what you're doing that gives people the freedom to do anything. I once had an English class where we made short narrative films about the books we were reading, without any film education from the teacher. And that was back before kids could do the whole thing on their phone.
AfricanObserver Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2017  Hobbyist Photographer
It's pretty much what we - well, the drama teacher - does. They have a series of 'exercises' - documentary, composition, music scoring, and for narrative are given a one page script to rehearse and shoot. But it's nice to let them see the translation from paper to movie.

Video is pretty huge now in many schools with phones and simple editing apps, and it's great. This attempts to notch it up a little, and also give the kids a little more guidance. Way too many teachers set technology-based tasks they have never performed themselves, and leave kids floundering, or don't understand how much work it is and pressure they are putting the kids under. I try to not do that!
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I think a great thing to focus on would be to show how the translation from screenplay to finished film is hardly ever perfect. Last minute rewrites, actors improvising lines, whole scenes getting cut out in post-production ... the screenplay is an imperfect document of the film that gets made. And you could show them those changes and ask, "Why do you think they changed this? Was this the best choice? Is it worse yet also important?" Show them that film studios sometimes have to make difficult decisions with difficult consequences and yet that's how films get made.

I definitely agree that no teacher should be asking their students to do something they haven't themselves tried first. But on the subject of pressure: That same English teacher who had us make movies also had us write a 30-page college-level biography on some famous person, to prepare us for college writing. For some reason that one assignment put me under a huge amount of pressure because it just seemed too big and I didn't know how to start. I ended up not doing the assignment at all and got a C in the class, which was about the same as an F for me. I failed the assignment ... but it was high school and I was able to fail without too-serious repercussions. In college I was better at taking on big projects in smaller chunks, at throwing myself into a project without stressing over the final result, and at taking the small daily failures in stride. After college I would go without sleep to finish something when I set a deadline for myself, and I wrote my first 130-page, 100,000 word novel. That was my triumph over that old fear of big projects and I've been writing ever since. And yet as a teacher you don't know how much pressure any one student can take. If they're all under the same amount of pressure some will fail and learn something about themselves, some will succeed and then fail elsewhere. You can't even control how much pressure they're under, since some kids will have a difficult time in one specific task (like me with that biography) and others will already be under pressure you can't always know about, such as in their home or personal life. At least when you put pressure on them, you can also offer them any help they might need.
(1 Reply)
trumanwripley Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Reading this again makes me miss the story ;_;
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Aww, it's okay. So are you still writing? How's that Choose Your Adventure thing going?
trumanwripley Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
I don't really have the time for it but... yes, I have. It's not a lot but I do enjoy it.
Choose Your Adventure never started up ;_; I'm not popular enough on here haha. Plus, I was afraid to put anything on facebook because I'm still not very open about my prose with a lot of the people that I know.
I have, however, gotten another idea for a new story haha. I'm kind of excited about it but my problem is that I've been thinking more about background than actual plot, so it probably won't go anywhere for a while. Aaaand I have a lot of stories that I've started and never finished >_> but I'm still working on them, it just takes time and effort ^_^
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
“I don't really have the time for it but... yes, I have” … hmm, sounds like it's time to work on time management. You're never as busy as you think you are. For a while when I first started writing, I would give up anything if it seemed to be getting in the way of my writing. Thankfully I'm getting back into some of that stuff, now that I feel like I can do them and still write every day. Maybe it took a year or so of focusing exclusively on writing before I could write and still have a life?

“Choose Your Adventure never started up ;_; I'm not popular enough on here” … popular? You got a few responses, wasn't that enough?

“I was afraid to put anything on facebook because I'm still not very open about my prose with a lot of the people that I know” … I have a similar problem. I don't like to talk about my writing with my parents, partly because I have this feeling that my writing is too weird for them. Most of my close friends don't know I write, but I plan to surprise them with (aka ask them to buy a copy of :) ) the novel I'm working on now once I get it written. I think confidence in your writing is about how much of yourself you put into it (see the above about focusing exclusively for a while) and also telling someone who doesn't know every once in a while when the moment feels right

“I have, however, gotten another idea for a new story haha. I'm kind of excited about it but my problem is that I've been thinking more about background than actual plot, so it probably won't go anywhere for a while” … neat, background is more important anyway. When I think too much about the plot, I have a problem writing because I don't know how to make what I wanted happen. So instead, I just write and let the plot unfold itself. And having lots of background ideas makes the world colorful. I think you're on the right track, keep thinking about the background until the story is ready to come out

“Aaaand I have a lot of stories that I've started and never finished >_> but I'm still working on them, it just takes time and effort” … definitely, time and effort. I read a quote once that went something like, “writing is the only skill which becomes more difficult the better you get at it.” So if it seems hard, don't give up! And try to finish a story or two, maybe just a short one. Finishing stories takes practice, unlike writing the middle which is more about trudging along
doolhoofd Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2014
Well. That was... weird... yet familiar in a Star Trekky way...
I used to be a fan of Star Trek when I was young, but when I watched it again at a more mature age, I realized that it really isn't that good.

There's really not a lot of violence in this story so I wouldn't worry about that.
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, thanks for the comment! And the llama too, I'll give you one back!

Hmm, can you describe the weird parts? Did anything confuse you or make you stop reading to wonder why it happened?

Yeah, the most "violent" thing is probably that head sticking half out of a wall, which I wrote to be half-amusing, half-disturbing. Of course the intruder would end up phased through the wall of her room, and her uncaring response amuses me too much.

Do you have any ideas for the title? The short story version is titled "White for a Funeral" but that only relates to this first chapter of the novel.
doolhoofd Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014
For a title: how about

"Candour Kandor?"

"Flight of the Raptor?"

"One Flew Over the Nano's Nest?"

"Outstanding Landing?"

(just brainstorming here...)

"Flying On Intuition"

"Rat On The Raptor"

"Rat Hunt"

. . .
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Those would be good for this chapter alone, but we're thinking about the entire space opera novel or whatever that we are doing. Maybe something classic, like "System Wars" or "Space Captain Kandor" or "Kandor's Game"
doolhoofd Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014
Ah. Oh. Euh... I'll come back to you on that if something pops into my mind.
doolhoofd Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2014
I will re-read the story, I will try to describe the weird parts, and I will try to think of a title - in the next few days. Right now 'm going to sleep.
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, no pressure! I'll look forward to your comment when you can.
doolhoofd Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014
Okay. The weirdness.

First thing - I found the landing into the nanobots to be quite weird. Because, wouldn't those nanobots be programmed to consume the sip as well? Ah, but wait, a while later you introduce "atmospheric shielding." Why not introduce this earlier? Why not have the Captain explain this immediately after they hit the planet? And why does she decide to crash into the planet in the first place, this is not made clear anywhere in the story.

Then, all of a sudden, out of the blue you begin to talk about a "little rat," a stowaway on board. Who is he? Why is he there? How did he get there? What is a "Chilo?" Never is this described. What are "muscular enhancements?" All those things are introduced and then simply left unresolved. Make it "judo with the neanderthals?" What neanderthals? Judo where? The reader is left guessing, feeling like he is missing essential clues and that the story is evolving beyond his control. "Dark shift waves?" "Phase shifts?" WTF moments again.

In short, you're just introducing too many new things in too short a time while not explaining them; that is why I was weirded out,  there were too many things that I didn't - and couldn't - grasp.
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

Ah, the techno babble! Yeah, I can see why that would seem Star Trekky. I guess in later chapters we will introduce those things properly, but for now they are just Futurese that people in the story know but the reader does not. I can explain a few of them though, if you're curious:

The nanobots didn't consume the ship because they didn't have oxygen (or something found in breathable air, maybe nitrogen) to act as the catalyst or maybe just the programmed trigger. So as long as the ship was air-tight, the nanobots wouldn't “wake up” and eat them all. And if they were eaten, well … being inside Grey Goo might be nice, who knows.

They crash because they came out of “warp speed” too close to the planet. The captain set the coordinates too close, practically within the gooey planet in fact, in case she wants to hide from attackers; basically it's her unique and slightly crazy “ship dodge” move.

A Chilo is an alien race or a nationality, I believe. That and “the rat” came from the other writer, and so are out of my knowledge. I should ask them!

Neanderthals are store bought clones of big, muscular and not very bright men, basically a whole race (if that word applies to clones) of red shirts. The second in command suggested judo with them as a punishment for the engineer's behavior (it won't be fun for him, trust me) and maybe so he can defend himself if something like this happens again.

Dark shift waves are what come from someone shifted into phase with dark matter, which allows them to walk through walls but slowly poisons them. That one is pure science fiction cheese.

doolhoofd Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014
Okay. It works a lot better when explained.
FictionLover987 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Okay. I'm not too great at doing really long critiques. But here I go! :P

so right away I got caught on the story. At first I was just thinking it was just a normal day at sea. But then the warnings on the monitors were saying that the ship was going down. That was definitely not a normal day at sea.

Now, I'm all for female captains. But in certain times, females received great prejudice and weren't allowed to do several jobs. And obviously, if they were, women were expected to work very hard at it. If a man messed up, it was more of a "You messed up, but it's okay. Just try harder next time," if a woman messed up, it was more of a "You're off the ship. You're fired." So I was a tad bit surprised (but a nice surprise) to see that it was a girl captain. And also, there's lights and such, so clearly this story is a bit more modern, but still, women can't avoid prejudice everywhere. So the fact that she appears lazy is a bit surprising to me. But that's just my opinion. 

She appears bored. But as I read on, she seems overly calm, not bored necessarily. But calm.  It seems like she has a plan, and she's just waiting for it to take place. The poor, trying to be brave Lieutenant seems to have been put down. So, obviously the captain has authority. 

Okay. Now who is Tanya? Oh great. The escape pods were always useles. That's always helpful. And nice. *sarcasm*

 Is she working for someone? Or is she a passenger?  Ooh. "Miss Tanya." That seems like she's a passenger perhaps. Ah. She seems to be ordering people then. Wait. Is she the captain?  

Hehee. "Cry baby." That sounds like captain. 

Aaah. She did have a plan. A crash site. I like her. She's awesome. 

Wait. "Darling." Whaaaa. Is she being sarcastic? That doesn't sound like something she would say. Oh were back to captain. And now were back  back to Tanya. Is tanya and and the captain the same person? I'm confused. Ah. "Call it captain's intuition then." So Tanya is the captain. Phews. 

Wait the intruder was a human? Wait. They appear to know each other. Haha. "Jen." Oooh. The intruder tied up the human. Oooh albinos are cool. A chill? What's a chill? Some kind of alien? Is the captain and list dating? She keeps calling him darling and sweetheart. Is the martial arts a punishment for litz? 

Urg. So many names. I'm terrible at remembering.... Icry baby is the of, right? is gen also the of? They're the same person?


Uh. 3, 1, 2? Is that a password? I was expecting a countdown, but that s out of order. 

Its a it's a little harder for me to follow all this scientific space vocabulary. But I think I have a gist of what's going on... 

I like this. They all seem quite a team, a family. Benson seems like a sweetheart, who plays dirty occasionally. :P

wait. Who's lotus? Sorry. I can't keep anyone straight. ^^;

wow, that was awesome. A tad bit confusing, but that's probably me, not your writing. :P

i really didn't like the captain at first, but now I like her a lot. :D yes, she seems like a terrific leader. The lc should've known better. 'Course she had a plan. 
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

You thought the ship was a sea-going vessel? Why? Just because it was called a ship?

“prejudice against female captains” … right, but the idea is that having a female captain helps ready the reader to believe that in the future people don't care about things like that. It's a pretty common trope, sort of like the shower scene from Starship Troopers. Plus Tanya is awesome … I'm actually worried she might be too awesome at times and falling in to Mary Sue territory.

“Miss Tanya” … different people address Tanya in different ways, and there is a certain sense to it. Gen (the scaly LC) always calls her Captain because he's dutiful, Benson (old human) calls her Miss because he's known her forever and can get away with not using her title, while Litz (young human) calls her sweetheart because he's slimy and thinks he can get away with it. As for the other characters you mentioned, Cry Baby (blue-furred bat-like Harpoine) is the Communications Officer and Lotus (who Tanya calls darling because she thinks the human cyborg woman is awesome) is the pale-skinned long-fingered graceful pilot. And yes, Tanya Kandor is the captain of the ship. We did introduce a lot of characters in this chapter, but by the end were any of those still confusing?

Litz got the martial arts class as punishment for being disrespectful to Tanya, but also so that maybe he wouldn't be defeated in combat so easily. And Gen was the one to suggest it, because he doesn't like Tanya being disrespected.

“On three, one, two” … oh, that should be read like Tanya is giving him the timing “On three” and then counting up without actually saying the last number because that's when they go. Does this work better? “sickness. On three. One … two … - .” Together they spun

Thank you, I thought that was an excellent critique.

FictionLover987 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah. Since it was called ship, and she was a captain, I assumed that ship was referring to sea, not space. XD

ooh right. Well, she did appear bored at the beginning of the story. So I don't think she's quite a Mary Sue. But she is pretty darn awesome. 

Ooooh. Okay. Yeah I don't really like Litz. And he really can't get away with it. xD

ooh. That's who Lotus is.  Yeah, there were. Haha. No, you cleared it up. Oh okay. I was close. I thought it was a punishment letting the rat tie him up. XD

ooooooh. I see. Well sometimes people are like On 3, 2, 1. Go. So it tripped me up a little, but that makes more sense if she started counting up, not down. 
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
"referring to sea" ... That's an easy assumption to make.

"You cleared it up" ... Cleared it up in the chapter, or in the above comment?
FictionLover987 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah. :)

in the comment. ^.^
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