Sketch - Chain Letter

WILL and PAT walk into the break room and sit. They are both young men in their early twenties. Pat wears a short-sleeve button-down shirt and Will wears a long sleeve t-shirt. The break room is white walls and cabinets, with a number of cheap folding tables and chairs. A coffee machine sits on a nearby counter-top, between a fridge and a coat rack.

- Pat
Finally. Painting’s my least favorite job.

- Will
Really? I think it’s kind of relaxing.

CARLA walks in and heads for the coffee machine. She is a short, middle-aged woman with tired eyes, who wears an old flower-pattern blouse and sweatpants.

- Carla
Finally, time to smell the coffee and wake up!

Will shivers, making a sour face, and Pat turns to him.

- Pat
You don’t like coffee?

- Will
Not at all.

- Pat (smiling)
You know what that says about you?

- Will
What do you mean?

- Pat
I got this chain letter, supposedly from the Dalai Lama. It said that how you view coffee is the same as how you view sex.

- Will
Weird. Isn’t the Dalai Lama celibate?

- Pat
Uh huh.

- Will
I wonder what he thinks about coffee?

- Pat
The letter said no one must ever know. He loves coffee.

Carla sits at a nearby table with her coffee, and looks over at the two.

- Carla
What are you two jabbering about?

- Will
Coffee.

- Pat
Sex.

- Carla
Oh!

RICK enters the break room, and begins pouring some coffee. He is an older man with white hair and plenty of wrinkles. The ironed creases on his plain white shirt and gray slacks are still rigid.

- Carla
Rick, those two are teasing me!

Rick ignores her as everyone waits for him to speak. Carla throws up her arms.

- Carla
Fine, be that way!

Rick sips coffee, sets it down at Carla's table and slowly sits down across from her.

- Rick (grumbling)
You know I’m not talkative until I’ve had my coffee.

Carla rolls her eyes, as Will and Pat snigger. LILY walks in, pours coffee, then sits beside Carla. Lily is a tall, wiry woman who wears flannel and cargo pants.

- Pat
Hey, Lily, what do you like most about coffee?

- Lily
Hmm … probably that burst of flavor when it first hits my tongue.

Will and Pat LAUGH. Lily looks at them, then begins discussing the recent lay-offs with Rick. Their conversation becomes unheard background, as Will and Pat talk.

- Will
So, what else does the Dalai Lama say in this e-mail?

- Pat
Well … what do you think of cats?

- Will
Cats? Fluffy I guess.

- Pat
That describes your ideal sex partner.

- Will
So my ideal partner is a furry? That explains the coffee thing.

- Pat
Oh come on, you’ve probably never even been in a fur-pile.

- Will
Of course not! Wait, have you?

- Pat
No, but I would if I could. I think it’s a good idea to try everything once.

- Will (laughing, whispers)
Okay, even murder?

- Pat
Weren’t you the one who loved Grand Theft Auto?

- Will
Bah! Although, there’s nothing quite like a perfect headshot.

Nearby, the other conversation between Rick, Carla and Lily is becoming heated.

- Rick
I tell ya, this company doesn’t give a damn about us! My son gets five floating sick days across the street, and better medical!

The conversation continues in the background.

- Pat (whispers)
That guy is always complaining.

- Will
I know! If he loves that plant where his son works, why doesn’t he just get a job there?

- Pat
He’s probably in line for a retirement package, he’s about old enough. At least he isn’t complaining about “the younger generation.”

- Will
Oh, just wait. As soon as they turn on the news at third break and some story about “the youth” comes on, he’ll rant just like usual.

- Pat (uses old man voice)
“Oh those kids, this younger generation is just so violent. Why, in my day, we just beat the misbehavers!”

- Will (sarcastic)
Yeah, because that's how you stop violence, beatings.

- Pat
And the way he goes on and on about it. All while we’re just sitting a couple of yards from him.

- Will
Maybe he doesn’t think of us as the younger generation. He could be including us in the older crowd because we work with him. And I certainly know my younger brother is a little … moody, I guess. So, does the Dalai Lama have anything else to say about me?

- Pat
Well, those are the only two I remember at the moment. There was more, give me a moment.

- Will
So for you, coffee is really memorable?

- Pat
And cats are wild in the sack.

- Will
That’s … really weird.

- Pat
Well, when you put a cat into a sack, they get really wild.

- Will
Until you throw them in a river and they drown of course.

- Pat
Of course. Oh, that reminds me of another one. What do you think of the ocean?

- Will
Hmm … big?

- Pat
That’s your life.

- Will
Wait, is that what I think of my life, or what my life will be? Or is this something about sex again?

- Pat
I don’t know. He's the Dalai Lama, he probably means all three.

- Will
How would you respond?

- Pat
Wet.

- Will
Your life is wet?

- Pat
Hey, it was a chain-letter, I never said it would be great.

- Will
Oh well, what does the Dalai Lama know anyways.

- Pat
How to reincarnate.

- Will
He should take his turn as a fly like the rest of his followers.

- Pat
No, he would become a cow.

- Will
And then a farmer could sell milk from that cow and it would be branded Dalai Juice!

- Pat
I’d drink that.

- Will
Do you think the Dalai Lama just did a study and found that everyone who liked coffee also liked sex?

- Pat
That wouldn’t be much of a study.

- Will
It would be awesome if the Dalai Lama walked up to you and said, “Do you like coffee, and also, do you like sex?”

- Pat
That would truly be an interesting Dalai Lama. I’d vote for that guy.