Recently something that happened in a private space between a public figure and their partner has led to a wide discussion of domestic partner abuse. I don't know whether that particular incident was truly partner abuse - or for example simply an accident or a couple's fight gone too far - but the resulting punishment for that public figure's actions has been misguided. For anyone who understands how domestic partner abuse works, the very idea of bringing down a heavy punishment for it is simply wrongheaded. Nothing good will come of punishing the accused, but instead society has in this case cheered for the punishment being changed from a minimal suspension of the figure's public activities, to a lifetime suspension / firing. If you don't understand why that is a bad thing, you need to understand domestic partner abuse.

We should distinguish between domestic violence the action and domestic partner abuse the situation. Both involve violence within the private sphere of society, moments when things are said and done that can't be taken back. The domestic violence act is something that happens once and is what a cop might talk about when being called somewhere to break up an incident of domestic violence. Make no mistake, domestic violence is a crime and many people believe punishment is right in such a situation. But domestic partner abuse is very different because it is a sustained, cyclical problem involving heavy mental control. The abuser in such a situation repeats the act of domestic violence over and over and over again, in a regular pattern that can last for years and may only end with the death of the abused. Sometimes the public doesn't even know about the domestic partner abuse until that point.

How is domestic partner abuse sustained? For lack of a better word, love. Despite everything done to them, the abused partner may feel that they still love their abuser, as though these repeated incidents are something they must endure and live with for the sake of the relationship. They still love their abuser, or they have some reason to protect the relationship such as shared children or financial well-being. The abused partner may in their lowest moments want to escape and split from their partner, but then they dismiss those ideas as the thoughts from a weaker moment, as doubts they should put to rest. They believe that this time was the last time, that their partner is just having a tough time right now, that their partner still loves them. Domestic partner abuse is sustained because the abused doesn't do the things any other person would do if say violently attacked in the middle of the street by a stranger.

How is domestic partner abuse cyclical? The most commonly used metaphor here is weather patterns. The couple starts at calm, a normal status-quo like any relationship has. From there the abused partner begins to notice a rising pressure in the air; long-term survivors of domestic partner abuse can sense this rising tension and start looking for ways to escape or prepare. Then one day, with perhaps no warning or known cause to the abused, the storm comes … and in the aftermath, assuming everyone survived, there is strangely enough a time of great joy and happiness between the couple as apologies are given and promises to reform are made. This brief period is akin to the clear skies after a storm, the rainbow after the rain, and is also frequently called the honeymoon period of the cycle. Long-term survivors can feel like this honeymoon period makes everything else worth it, even as this window of happiness shrinks over repeated cycles. And after that the couple is back to their normal state.

How does domestic partner abuse involve mental control? Some claim the partner abuser is jealous, or afraid, or just simply a controlling person. Whatever the reason, they begin to control everything about their partner's life. Often this starts long before any abuse begins, so that by the time of the first incident of domestic violence they already have their partner controlled enough not to report them. There are many ways to subtly control someone by encouraging and discouraging select behaviors, but some tactics are more obvious. The abuser mentally isolates their partner, requiring or helping them to cut off ties with friends and family, causing them to rely solely on the abuser for daily emotional support. They might move their partner somewhere physically secluded, convince them that they don't need a car or the ability to go in to town, discourage friendliness with local neighbors and then spy on their means of communication watching for if they try to reach out. It should be noted that many couple have gone through times similar to these, but these things alone are not a sure sign that domestic partner abuse is present; everyone has their different reasons, but the partner abuser does those things for the primary purpose of controlling their partner.

With all that said, we can now begin to understand why it is misguided to put heavy punishments on those accused of domestic partner abuse. For a partner abuser that is an important source of family income, a monetary punishment or fine only brings about more tension and stress for them and the relationship, and firing the partner abuser from a high-paying job is going to have the same result. Jail time for the partner abuser seems right because it forcibly splits the couple, but for the couple it only means an extended calm period and when the partner abuser is released things might go right back to how they were, with the same consequences as a monetary punishment. Most importantly the abused partner still loves and wants to protect their partner, so heavy punishments for domestic partner abuse only incentives them to protect their abuser more. If you knew that someone you loved did something bad, wouldn't you still protect them in any way you could? Maybe you would turn them in if the punishment was light and you thought they would learn from it, but what about a really heavy punishment?

Heavy punishments are an incentive for the abused partner to remain quiet about their abuse, when we should be doing everything we can to help them decide to speak up. And what might help an abused partner to do so? Light or minimal punishment for their abusive partner first of all, along with some kind of required counseling and therapy to help the partner abuser realize and stop their behavior. After an incident the couple may need to be under some kind of occasional supervision if possible, to make sure they are not slipping in to their high tension phase. It would be nice if we could separate the two but that may be too heavy of a punishment for an abused partner that loves and wants to be with their abuser; forced separation should be an option on the table for them both, not a requirement. And most of all, we need to start talking about domestic partner abuse in a new light. Not as a criminal act, but as a problem between two people whose relationship needs help.

And what should we do when there isn't some big public case of domestic violence with everyone chiming in from the sidelines? We should know and watch for the signs of regular everyday domestic partner abuse all around us, most obviously any heavy isolation of a domestic partner both physically and mentally for the purpose of controlling them. We should continue to talk about criminal behavior in a positive and not a negative light, with criminals as someone needing help and not simply punishment. We should work a little harder to help the people in domestic abusive relationships, knowing that they love their partner despite everything and won't always seek help themselves. We should stop talking about love as something where you live with and cover up every fault and flaw of your partner. We should continue to teach children that violence is never an acceptable way of dealing with tension and stress, especially against someone they care for.

Our knee-jerk reaction when hearing that someone has physically assaulted their domestic partner is often based solely in anger and a simple desire for quick and direct vengeance; these emotions only cause us to make the wrong decisions. We fine the abuser, we send them to jail, we fire them from their job, we refuse to associate with them and that is how we try to feel better about the situation. The problem is that all of these things make the life of abused partners worse as well, and they are the ones we should be thinking about. Every time we fire or fine or send to jail a domestic partner abuser, we are only convincing the other abused partners still out there in the world to remain silent. Whether they be male or female, young or old, our actions should be aimed at making the life and well-being of that abused partner better sooner. We may have to ignore our instincts and hold back our emotions and think before we act, but that is how we will make the right decisions.

As a final note, I wonder if there aren't other criminal acts of the private sphere that might be operating in this same way. Is domestic child abuse sustained and kept private because children can't always speak up as freely? Is it the heavy punishments for drug use that cause parents to protect their using children? Is sending someone to jail and publicly branding them as a criminal the best way we can help them get better? How often has our desire for quick vengeance caused us to do the wrong thing while feeling completely justified? We need to think about our very idea of “punishments for crimes” and what they really do, by asking ourselves who the punishment really hurts and whether that will help anyone other than us feel better.