I'm not entirely happy with this part, but I'm also very tired and that doesn't help my enthusiasm. I thought this would be Sorrow's fight scene, I thought there would be some action in this story once again, but it seems that will have to wait for this chapter's final part. A discussion between the others about Teal and Rolf turned naturally to checking how they are doing after the events of the previous part, a necessary reminder of Teal's “curse” became the opportunity for Rolf to talk about his theory for how she can control it and the new possibility of a friendship became a frank discussion of Rolf's chances at getting the kind of relationship he wants. Everything flowed naturally as I like it to, but I don't like the direction that natural flow is taking; High War is supposed to be about a nation under attack, not one paladin's inability to love at a romantic level. Oh well, blood and action next time. I'm tired.
This is a part of my High War project, a story about people in a D&D-inspired world that I have tried very hard to make my own. I really don't want to step on anyone's copyright toes here, which to some degree is not easy at all. I have no idea where the background of my preview image comes from, as far as I know it came from a free image site; if you know otherwise then please tell me so I can take it down, although I would be happier to use it with the permission of its creator. This will be a story for somewhat mature audiences, there will be occasional violence, language and adult themes ... but because I want everyone to be able to read it I am leaving the mature content filter off for now. Thanks for understanding, and if you don't then I would be happy to discuss with you my thoughts on the issue.
Klax walks along the dirt road with a happy swing to his step, a smile never far from his lips, “And after he secluded the two honeymooners in a private pumpkin suite for my request, Jack and I stayed up for quite a while after talking about Light and (h)is mysteries. Being a spirit he has some very unique views, and while he did not take away my faith like he had joked, he did indeed take away my fear.” (Should split this one into another paragraph. Also the first paragraph seemed confusing the way it was written and how it looked.) Klax laughs at his own observation; the Drunk chuckles from the mouth of his silver hip flask while taking a generous swig and Sorrow nods in agreement.
“The fey spirits do not lie (M)ister Klax,” Why do you have mister and miss lowercase?
“I turned and left without so much as (am) I beg your leave. “
Behind the three walks Talls and Shorty, holding hands and walking very close together. Talls has a grin stuck to his face, while Shorty looks to be flushed a deeper blue than is normal for her. (more bluer? When did you mention that before?)
And behind them, holding their rope in her off hand(delete comma) walks Teal.
not reading (nor) doing much of anything besides walk.
“Klax looks back at Teal and Rolf, (and) then leans closer to the Drunk to whisper,”
I changed this paragraph of how The Drunk explained about his ex-wives. “A broken heart is the most painful injury lad, which is why after my twenty-first wife I decided to take no more. I should have done so after the eighteenth destroyed my castle with the help of a dragon. But the nineteenth was as lovely as a dewdrop, which made me forget about such things.” What do you think?
“Light be (d)amned miss Teal!
He confessing his love for her isn’t he?
“Yes, him,” he said. “Now, do ye remember me mentioning ether lines prior to that?”
(Teal nods, listening with interest now as Rolf launches in to a full lecture.)
That is a good description on how Rolf can shape-shift.
(Start this sentence as a new paragraph.) Rolf holds up a finger, which begins to glow with a powerful bright light.
“Teal's whole attention is on Rolf now( she speaks in a whisper,”
“That is why I did not glow outside the cabin( I made sure to use up (the entire) curse light before we reached the place.”
The others all look back in shock, even the two bandits, who seem to miss that Teal in her excitement has dropped the rope connected to them. lololololol
“Show's over people! Now get moving, we arrive in Goldenburg today or we walk through the night! Am I understood?” lololololololololol
“She is given only silence in reply but they do all begin walking again(.) Talls and Shorty now keeping at the full distance allowed by their leash.” Pretty long sentence, so I divided it into two sentences.
“Teal whispers back to Rolf as she walks, but her voice no longer cold,” I shorten it.
“So she built me up in yer mind as some sort of heroic individual and the real me (cannot) compare.”
He pauses, (and then) smirks.
Though you seem to misunderstand(,) (t)he paladin's vow is only to uphold the laws, seek out evil mages and bring them to justice.”
This is not bad of a chapter. It is interesting to see how Rolf wanted to be with Teal even though they cant by some law.
“Why do you have mister and miss lowercase?” … I have no clue. Dumbness, I guess. Thanks for continuing to point them out
“more bluer? When did you mention that before?” … orcs are blue, and when they blush they turn a darker shade of blue
“I changed this paragraph of how The Drunk explained about his ex-wives … What do you think?” … needs more cow-bell. Here's my most recent edit, after Klax says he thinks Teal was right to turn Rolf down so harshly,
“Nay lad, a broken heart is too painful an injury. That is why after my twenty-first wife I decided to take no more. I should have done so after the eighteenth destroyed my castle with the help of a dragon,” he sighs, eyes glistening, “ah but the nineteenth was as lovely as a dewdrop and made me forget such things.”
“He confessing his love for her isn’t he?” … Rolf confessed to / half-propositioned Teal back at the forest cabin when he thought he was dying in chapter 4.3 and he is still trying to negotiate the relationship he wants
“What is a paladin’s friendship?” … Paladins are the best at protecting others and themselves from all manner of attack, so having a Paladin swear to be your friend is a good thing. She's basically promising to have his back and fight in his defense
“Rolf wanted to be with Teal even though they cant by some law” … hmm, I don't want the ending to say that. Teal is saying that the Paladin's Code does not forbid sex, which Rolf joked about because some knights hold to a vow of chastity. Teal is the one who forbids it. Here's my most recent edit,
“Though you seem to misunderstand. The Paladin's Code is to uphold the laws, seek out law-breaking mages and bring them to justice.” And at a slower pace she adds, “The vow actually has nothing to say on the subject of intimate relations. I, however, do have something to say. I won't. You should turn your interests elsewhere.”
Thanks for the critique!