Family Matters - E50

INT. TOWN SUPERMARKET – EVENING

The entire store has been bedecked for the holidays, with paper snowflakes that hang from the ceiling, strings of lights on all the cash registers and a large wreath over the entrance. Son and Daughter enter the store and head straight for the garden section. Son pushes a cart at somewhat dangerous speed while Daughter tries to keep up and also to not walk near anyone else in the store.

- Daughter (complains)
We got Papa a lawn ornament last year.

- Son
And he liked it, remember? So for one, it's consistency. Plus he has such a big lawn.

- Daughter (quietly)
Dad thinks he might sell that house and move somewhere smaller.

- Son (nods)
Maybe a retirement community where he can be around other old people. But he'll still want a garden.

- Daughter
Something practical then. New gloves, or flower seeds he doesn't have.

- Son
Seeds are a good idea. Ask Bad for some, he won't have seen any that she has. But not gloves, they might be the wrong size or a brand he doesn't like. He buys his own gloves, but he doesn't buy lawn ornaments.

- Daughter
Because he doesn't want them.

- Son
He doesn't know he wants them. Yet.

Elsewhere in the store, Fat Cat and Drop Dead Gorgeous stroll arm in arm through the aisles. They seem happy and cheerful.

- Drop
Pick something!

- Fat
But all I want for Martyrmas is you!

- Drop
You're getting me something, right?

- Fat
Yes, a bottle -

- Drop
Don't tell me!

- Fat
You don't want to know what I'm getting you but you want me to pick out something for myself?

- Drop
You're a little mysterious Fat.

- Fat
All part of my allure.

- Drop (laughs)
Just look around in this aisle and tell me what you like the most.

The two stop and actually look around. They are in the middle of the sports equipment and pet toys aisle. DJ Tall stares at them from near the pet stuff with a deer in headlights expression.

- Fat
Hmm … a football. I could toss it around in an ad appealing to -

- Drop (sighs)
This isn't about your work, this is about you! Something for you!

- Fat
All I want for Martyrmas is you.

Drop sighs and walks over to DJ, whose eyes widen. Fat goes to inspect the various sports equipment.

- Drop
Excuse me, but what are you purchasing today?

- DJ (nervously)
Chew toys, for my dogs.

- Drop (to herself, then DJ)
Well that won't work, his building doesn't allow pets … wait, don't I know you? We met at Wife Man's neighborhood Turkeyfeast dinner?

- DJ
Very briefly.

- Drop
Perfect! Look over there, will you?

Drop points out Fat Cat, who is out of earshot now, to DJ.

- Drop
That guy is absolutely impossible to buy a Martyrmas present for, so I need a guy's opinion. What do you think he would like?

- DJ
Me? Uh, a board game.

- Drop
Ooh, like Life! Then I could find out if he likes children!

- DJ
Actually, there's this new one out he might like, Vampire Castle, where -

Drop takes DJ's hand and gives it a warm squeeze to shut him up.

- Drop
You've been a big help, thanks!

Drop quickly walks over to rejoin Fat, as DJ stands stricken.

- DJ (to himself)
Ratings be damned, she's getting a segment devoted to her again!

Elsewhere in the store, Son and Daughter nearly walk down an aisle full of candles and linen, but Daughter quickly steers them back out again when she sees Butch Lesbian. Butch stares blankly at the scented candles and doesn't notice them, so Son and Daughter peer around the corner at her.

- Daughter (quietly)
Definitely shopping for mom.

- Son
But a candle?

Son and Daughter turn and go back to the cart, which has an oblong garden ornament and several long windowsill flower pots.

- Daughter
You said it first, it's about getting what they don't know they want.

- Son
I wonder if there's an oil-and-grease scented candle?

Son and Daughter see Wife Man down the books, cards and magazines aisle, so Son walks over to say hi. Daughter spots Psychic Detective farther down the aisle and approaches, he quickly puts a novel back on a shelf full of romance fiction.

- Psychic
D, hey! I'm not shopping for myself.

- Daughter
What are you … you realize a normal store won't have that book, right?

- Psychic (gestures to shelf)
But they have the rest of this!

Daughter eyes the shelf carefully, then picks one out.

- Daughter
None of these include pictures. Here, buy her this one. Man is a nice guy.

Back to Son and Wife. Son looks curiously over at Daughter and Psychic, then back to Wife.

- Son
So how is Eldest doing in college?

- Wife
Oh, lovely hon, just lovely. She's been telling me you must try to attend her school next year.

- Son
I haven't been thinking much about college yet, it still seems like forever until I graduate.

- Wife
Hon, it's never too early to make those plans. University is a big time in your life, and deserves the time.

- Son (frowns)
But what if I'm not ready to think about all that? About … my future.

- Wife (leans in, whispers)
Then do what my hubby did hon. Travel. See the world. Maybe catch the eye of your own southern bell.

- Son (wide eyed)
Is that how you and Mr. Man met?

- Wife (winks)
Country gal like me couldn't say no to a well-traveled Man.

Back to Daughter and Psychic, as Daughter points a thumb back at Son behind her.

- Daughter
Only one left is him, so I'm looking for an idea here.

- Psychic
Hmm … sort of a smooth operator, huh?

- Daughter (eye roll)
He's needed more advice from me about talking to girls than I knew I had.

- Psychic
Ah, a smooth operator in training.

Psychic pulls out a detective's notepad full of random doodles and flips to a blank page to write something down.

- Psychic
I discovered this book when I was his age, changed my life. You should be able to find a copy online.

Psychic tears the paper from the notepad and hands it to Daughter, who takes it with some skepticism.

- Daughter
How old is this book? Won't it be out of print, or out of date?

- Psychic
Good advice never goes out of date D. And good advice is exactly what a big, bad teen like him needs.

Elsewhere in the store, Brother Girl walks aimlessly around with his shoulders slumped. He is followed by Sub Servient, who pushes a cart full of toys and games. Brother sighs loudly.

- Brother
There's nothing perfect here either.

- Sub
There are very few perfect things in this world. Perhaps if you would tell me who you are shopping for … ?

- Brother
Somebody perfect. Somebody who deserves the perfect gift.

- Sub
Ah! So this is someone you like very much? Is the person Ms. Girl?

- Brother
No, mom was who the pearl necklace was for.

- Sub (surprised)
Someone you like more than Ms. Girl?

- Brother
Mom is great, I'm happy she's back with us, but even I know she isn't perfect.

- Sub
And the person isn't Ms. Rich Girl, I would hazard a guess.

- Brother
Well duh, Rich is who all the toys are for. I'm going to show her that mom was right to stop limiting me by an allowance.

- Sub (muses)
I'm truly stumped then. Who could you like more that Ms. Girl, and also owe more to than Ms. Rich Girl?

- Brother (excited)
Yes, that's the right word! It's more than just liking her, I owe her … I owe her everything. Because she gave me something so great that now I have to try and give her something nearly as perfect.

- Sub
A perfect gift for the perfect gift giver … I doubt there is one. If you don't mind me asking, what did this person give to you?

Brother stops suddenly and Sub barely manages to not run him over with the cart. Brother scowls to himself, then leans his head to one side, then to the other side, then looks up at the ceiling as he taps a nearby shelf in deep thought. Finally he seems to make up his mind, and turns to whisper to Sub.

- Brother
My first time.

- Sub
Excuse me?

- Brother
You know what I mean. When a boy and a girl are together on a bed and they do it. Sex.

- Sub (deadpan)
I don't know where to begin … yes I do. Sex? That was the "perfect gift" someone gave to you?

- Brother
Well, yeah. And it was my first.

- Sub
Who – not Ms. Cousin Girl I hope.

- Brother (disgusted)
We're related! I mean, I might make an exception if she was younger than me, but we're the same age.

- Sub (faintly)
Younger? Mr. Girl, who has given you such strange ideas?

- Brother (defensive)
Every guy wants a younger girl. I'm a guy, nothing strange about that.

- Sub
That was a serious question Mr. Girl. Who told you these things?

- Brother
She's the smartest, most perfect person I know. She can do anything, and get away with it. And she told me that if I said anything, I wouldn't live to see twenty … uh, so I'm probably okay as long as I don't tell her name. Obviously I can brag about getting some to other guys. But you can't spread it around! If it gets to her, I'm dead.

- Sub (sighs)
I understand Mr. Girl.

Several aisles away, Son and Daughter meander through the electronics. The cart now has a coloring book.

- Son
Who was that guy you were talking to?

- Daughter (smug)
A colleague. He was shopping for his girlfriend and I recommended one of Mr. Man's books.

- Son
Since when do you have colleagues?

- Daughter
Have you bought Cousin a present yet?

- Son
I – yes! And it's really great, and should arrive any day now.

- Daughter
You know you can't give your girlfriend a lawn ornament, right?

---

INT. GODFATHER'S BASE INTERROGATION ROOM – LATE NIGHT

Around the edges of the room, the light globes sputter and flicker like flames in a wind. A circle of twenty people in hooded robes sit around the room, some with hands outstretched toward the center while others chant or hum and some seem to do nothing at all. In the very center of the room, a strange mechanical device floats in the air, like a large engine with odd protrusions and bits that don't make sense. Godfather, who wears a robe but without the hood up, enters the room along with five others. He gestures to the machine.

- Godfather
We then condensed the energy siphoned from our prison population in to this quasi-real form, forming what I would term a blank ritual. We've been playing around with it a bit and it's very malleable, but for the project I've envisioned we'll need everyone on hand to get it right.

Godfather looks around the room, then snaps his fingers loudly several times. Everyone in the room looks to him, and the "engine" snaps into an amorphous silvery blob shape.

- Godfather
And with everyone here, we can finally begin! I realize that some of you have been without sleep while others will need to leave for responsibilities at your respective homes. But once we begin this, we must not stop until the blank has been fully written! If you must leave, make sure that someone else can hold your section until …

The shot rises up through the glass ceiling as he continues to talk, up through the inky blackness of deep sea. As his voice fades out, a phone conversation begins somewhere else.

- Sub
Madam Head of the Psy Division, I hope?

- Gran
Well hello there! I'm not sure how you learned of this number, but you have my attention.

- Sub
You know the whereabouts of the current First's base, am I correct? If you have made any plans for a raid you must push them forward. He plans to unleash a ritual on the eve of Martyrmas that will bring evil to the world. Please, you must put a stop -

- Gran
If you know who I am, than you know that there are very few people who can tell me what I MUST do.

- Sub
You don't know what he's planning. When you know, you'll understand.